Like a shadow rising from the mist, army men shall never die.

I like toys. I know, we’re talking revelation of the year here. I’m also a guy, so typically whatever toys I’m playing with are required to have some sort of firepower or at least look like they are capable of fighting either each other, or some other toy I have yet to purchase but will feel the need to as soon as I see it. I’ve mentioned that G.I. Joes are the perfect action figures and that Ninja Turtles are the coolest, but I want to go even more old school than those. I’m talking zero points of articulation, absolutely no accessories or outfits or anything. How could a toy still be awesome after all that? Aha, I’ve got you now don’t I? How about if I’m talking a whole squadron of toys? Yeah, let’s talk plastic army men.

The point of the little green (or grey or red or whatever color suits you) men is not regarding pose-ability but rather sheer quantity and simplicity of the design. You can go out right now and pick up a few dozen army men for somewhere in the vicinity of one dollar, pull them out, and start playing immediately. No set up is required and no location is too obscure to wage impossible wars. Kitchen? Perfect. Bathtub? Aquatic misadventures. Cat box? Strange, but you do what you’ve got to do. But to get the full effect of the war you really need a whole sea of the little guys, so drop a ten-spot and load up.

I always liked the way army men each had a personality to them. Sure, you have the standard rifle-toting version, but those came in guys with the rifle sling over their shoulder, aiming straight ahead, crouched while aiming, crouched and aiming downward, aiming up and back, and who knows what else. You’ve got guys with grenades, guys with radios, guys with mine detectors, and guys that look like they do all their work solo with a handgun and a face so grizzled you can sharpen steel on it (I like to think I’d be that guy in the army men world).

There is a lot to do with your plastic soldiers beyond just placing them and enacting whatever battles you’d most like (such as Grizzled McGrizz fighting EVERYONE). I’ve found that they work very well as markers for whatever game you may be playing (add an army man to Candy Land and watch your sister squirm), or even place them on a world map and have an interactive history lesson about World War II (in which Grizzled McGrizz fights EVERYONE). Okay, yes, you can also melt them, explode them, and generally mutilate them, but should you? Should you really? All right, just ask your parents first before using the microwave.

I was lucky to find a set of army men that came with small plastic tanks, helicopters, jeeps, and fighter jets. There were also USA flags and German flags and all sorts of other nations, meaning that my war could be even more elaborate than just the typical run-of-the-mill ground assault. I’m curious if they have boats anywhere.

Something I always wondered as well is if some...