Here it is in all its "glory." You do not want this.

Do you like skateboarding? Do you like video games? Okay, let me stop you before you make a terrible assumption that if you like both you’ll like Tony Hawk: Ride since the game is awful. Lots of potential, but utter failure of a game. You want to know why? Because the game doesn’t work, and when the whole point of buying a $90 game with a peripheral shaped like a skateboard is to have it function like a real skateboard and it doesn’t, you’re getting ripped off. Wanna know more. Read on for your warning.

New Controller; Same Old Problems

Does this look cool? Too bad, because you probably won't get the controller to let you do this.

So the big thing about Tony Hawk: Ride is the actual controller. No, you don’t just use a standard controller like you probably want to. Instead, and because it seems like every developer thinks we want “realistic” games, we get a controller that actually looks like a real skateboard. Just, you know, without the wheels. The Ride controller is stood upon and used to perform all the tricks that “real” skateboarders can do, such as ollies, grinds, and grabs, plus some other jargon I’m not even going to attempt to pretend like I know (“Late 360 shove-it to boneless!”).

As you watch your character on screen move, you can adjust the controller to make him do something, like hop, by doing the correct motion on the board. Despite the fact that the whole point of the board controller is meant to make it more real, you do not have to flick the controller out from under your feet and then land on it again. You just tilt back and forth until your on-screen character does something that may or may not be a trick (faceplants are not tricks, though they look just as cool).

The Problem Is Deeper Than Commitment

To do this trick you'll have to grab the controller and hope it works after the hundredth attempt.

I could care less how good the game looks, because it doesn’t matter: the game is broken. The controller doesn’t work with any sort of precision and if you can make it work to do what the game’s asking you to do, why don’t you just learn to ride a real skateboard? I’ve heard the argument with Guitar Hero that you’ll spend all sorts of time learning to play a pretend guitar when you could just learn the real thing, but with Guitar Hero the core game is fun and requires significantly less time, effort, and money to pick up and acquire than a real guitar does.

Tony Hawk: Ride is completely off from the target it’s shooting for. It wants to make skateboarding accessible to a crowd that simply can’t get into real skateboarding but with all the effort you put into learning how to play the game you’ve just wasted learning how to ride a skateboard extremely poorly. And don’t say the upside is you don’t hurt yourself because standing on the Ride controller is extremely tough and will result in you falling...